hello, long time no confess...

well... so its been so long since Ive been on here but maybe I'll start it up again..[like a snowball's chance in hell(not hell michigan, hell hades land of dead with the fire and flames and pain)] anyway ya... Im getting along in monadnock... I'm getting used to how the classes go and now Im about to go into driver's Ed... maybe I 'll finally be able to go to nmh more often... I cant wait for spring to come... I need to get out and plan frisbee... or snowboard... this christmas is "supposed to be a good one... my mom says shes got a lot of good stuff for me... and my step dad is out of the house... yay... oh ya, hes moving back this sunday with his new woman from baltimore... THEY MET ON THE INTERNET, how low can you go???and their divorce STILL is not final... ugh... oh well um... another good thing, I have a girlfriend, sam, shes great, anything else? I dunno I miss tosha and kiernan and... a lot of people but I dont have enough time cause this isnt my comp, so now I must go. Talk to you all later. Peace out, disc or die for life!

Aunt...

Aunt is visiting, ah!! kill me dead... hey I could be an egg right?Anyway I found a new slogan for me when it comes to frisbee. Dive with the best, get skyed like the rest. I think I'm going to write that under the bottom of my frisbee's like Carmello(nmh alumni frisbee titan, notice the titans were brought down by their own children... or atleast the people that came after them ;-) I hope I do the same) I miss nmh and I wanna visit but its hard... I mean I really want to stay longer than I do and I want to go back the very next weekend but its just not possible... especially since my mom is going to make me escort my aunt to the races saturday... notice, I fucking hate the races, and yes fuck was necisary to describe the depths of my hatred of being forced to go to the race track. The other day I was bitching to my mom about my aunt and she is like... think of the positives for once.... so I sit there in silence for about 2 seconds... and then I starts saying... shes gone on sunday, shes gone on sunday then my mom tells me shes leaving wednesday.... (AH!!!! GOD DAMN i hate life, dont wanna have to deal with any of her crap.... oh well...)Random thought... I think Im gonna slowly start introducing my frisbee skills to the school... the process will be slow... very slow... cause I cant afford to have a disc stolen...My next adventure with a disc with peter or kiernan... well we usually just toss two discs at once from both short and long distances... I want to try to go for tossing three frisbees at one time... non stop... I think it would be easy and yet really impressive... the next thing I gotta work on... catching speed passes.... from there its working on arm stamina... and hopefully lots of frisbee games and running in betweenAt nmh I found the live version of long december by counting crows it makes me soo happy... I like it live when the music isnt all prettied up and you can still hear all the emphasis and the feeling and emotion put into the words... its art in of itself..kiernan's interaction with peter... it makes me happyKGB666000 (11:09:07 PM): walks out of crossely,...im walking down the path..he kinda does this "im not looking or seeing u" act and throws it over 3 people to me...i toss it backKGB666000 (11:09:11 PM): "my dorm head says i am allowed to recruit more frisbee players to my dorm (crossley) but only if they are conservative republicans" ~peter b-h thats the quoteyay....

Intro to com...

Intro to computers already, today is going pretty fast, this class isnt though... lets see Im breaking three rules right now... no music, no email, and ok so only but still.this girl who sits next to me in study hall I did her geometry and it was just finding congruent segments... she was amazed i did it so fast and Im thinking it was a single she that was easy as hell. god this... easy count down till I go back to nmh... 2.5 school daysI dont know what song Im listening to, or who its bye... but its really really good... it sounds like... maybe taproot?... no maybe saliva... either way its good... but now Im gonna change it to blink 182's first date...3. First Date - (2:52)In the car I just can't waitto pick you up on our very first dateis it cool if I hold your hand?is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?(I agree with him)do you like my stupid hair?(sounds familiar)would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?(same here)I'm just scared of what you think(too true)you make me nervous so I really can't eat(my stomach is getting queezy)Let's godon't waitthis nights almost overhonest, let's makethis night last foreverforever and everlet's make this last foreverforever and everlet's make this last foreverWhen you smile, I melt insideI'm not worthy for a minute of your timeI really wish it was only me and youI'm jealous of everybody in the roomplease don't look at me with those eyesplease don't hint that you're capable of liesI dread the thought of our very first kissa target that I'm probably gonna miss(so pathetically true...)Let's godon't waitthis nights almost overhonest, let's makethis night last foreverforever and everlet's make this last foreverforever and everlet's make this last foreverLet's godon't waitthis nights almost overhonest, let's makethis night last foreverforever and everlet's make this last forever(4 times)ya time to do work with clip art now... woop dee doo

BOOYAH! Im s...

BOOYAH! Im still coming, going to room with a semi friend day student who lives in northfield, Im happy, right now Im in computer class (intro to computers) I never got the offiial credit sp Im taking it now... well I got a 103 out of 105 on my quiz, it was open notes on two videos we watched... and he told us what notes we needed so were the video's.... necisary?? this guy cant teachya so my cover is totally blown for visiting with out anyone knowing... I mean I asked about 5 differnt guys if I could stay in there rooms so I might as well send out a big swis... but I prolly wontI really like the poem I wrote out randomly in the last entry, I like it a lot, but now I know one thing for sure I cant rap

well to hel...

well to hell with closed weekends, they make me unable to sleep over and spend some time with my friends... damn school rules, my god, I cant visit my friends? how lame! richard mueller himself would probably be happy as hell to let me stay over and visit my friends.... well I know one, maybe two people who live in northfield and one is an... ass at times but means well and the other lives at school but moved to the town of northfield... he still boards... wtf?? I was looking forward to friends and frisbee and friends... and frisbee, and frisbee, and more friends followed by frisbee(yess I have a one track mind)I get to play thursday, Im so happy, and ben might come too, sweet stuff, Im still pissed I dont get to go to nmh though, my aunt is coming to visit for 10 days, I cant stand her, she never been married or even dated for long periods of time as far as I know, and I think its because she is so like her way or noway and becarefull with EVERYTHING!!! "dont spill my drink" while I move a chair across a room... a good two feet from her immediate vacinity... I will just have to put up with her crap and go do homework in my room, I need my comp in my room, oh well, whateverClasses are boring but a class is a class and its gonna be too easy to pass, and this school can kiss my ass cause they wont let me listen to my jazz, my ears are crying, music taste dying, dont know what to rely on, no more shoulders to cry on, but I gotta fly on, gotta act like the prodigal son, cant F up this one, gotta Ace it all the way, for my sake I got play the game better than all these other home town boys, its lame, doenst lead to fame, nothing to gain, so I gotta with stand the pain, cant burn in my own flame, gotta get home, go up hill agaisnt the down hill flow, hope I dont reap what I sowthere is still a posibility I will visit, but I dont know how likely it is though

...

dude, Im pulling an all nighter with my neighbor ben, its fun shit, while one plays video games, the other looks up codes, we listen to music, we talk about comedy shit and its the best way to spend a weekend... no school and just being laid back and hanging with a friend, singing along to Saliva and AFI... I like this song cause Bleed black reminds me of the DVD documentary on the Black Tide, the Documentary is called I BLEED BLACK, its one of the best ultimate teams in the US, I need to get that dvd or I will die... anyway, more later... a visit to nmh is close in the future... when will it be, most people dont know... with the exception of the 3 people who read this and me... I cant decide if I want to keep it a secret and surprise everyone or if I should tell them so its all easier to make sure everyone else is around... and if olivia reads thisCONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING DANCE COMPANY! and WHO KNEW IT SINCE SUMMER??? that was me, ya she prolly wont read this for a month if ever so I'll prolly send you an email.Must go, bye bye!! for the first time since school started Im happy...

Lost Hope

Nothing is left, I dont know if I want to go back to nmh, I talk to my friends and they talk about how bad of a time it was but they just dont get how much they got. THEY DONT FUCKING REALIZE what they have, they are taking it for granted and they will NEVER know they really have

ok so here is...

ok so here is my daily schedule.... ok period 1 english...50 minutes... the dude dont like to give homework, he doesnt require a notebook... but alll tests are open note tests... Im from nmh of course I take notes... moving on then I have 2:30 hrs of easy classes... or what I like to call break time... or even NAP TIME... 2nd period civics, its a frosh course.... easy, then study hall, then its intro to computers... Im using a computer now... then its US history no biggie, then lunch, followed by spanish 3 simple so far, and ALG 2US history... I got some homework that would take up like... 1 freshmen nmh class... but its due friday... assigned on tuesday... spanish... I do homework in classAlg 2... boring as hellcivics... bird course...fly right through itI miss every one and nmh... I guess I'll just have to come visit... how about... the weekend of the 12th?? ya that sounds good... if kiernan ever makes arrangements with me ;-)

a friend in need

this is specifically intended for certain people... so if you dont know for a fact that this is for you then its prolly not, but read anyway, as time goes on it might apply to more people...you can skip the 1st paragraph, its all bitching anyway...Well, I went to my first day of school at monadnock regoinal highschool... and I was totally nervous and not comfortable all day long, I mean I am just a single face in fourteen hundred... a new junior, Im graduating next year (hopefully not there but hypothetically if I have to)and Im starting over again, it took me till spring term to find most of my friends at a school where I lived with the people, so chances of me making friends by the end of this year are slim... and there is a prom that I can go to ... I dont care what any of you or any one else says, to hell with it, I dont like dances and the prom is supposed to be something really special... unless I meet some very special girl (or dare I say guy... oh wait its public school not happening) I have no reason to go to the prom... much less any other dance this year. Ok so classes... no homework on the first day, Im dissapointed because I want something to do instead of doing nothing and being able to just sit and think about how much I hate this new school. and Im a FUCKING JUNIOR PEOPLE!!! you should get homework wherever you are in your junior year... am I right?? and the homework amounts is ridiculous... in english for book reading... on average maybe 50 pages over the course of a week.... this whole year is gonna be a fucking cake walk... and I will die because I'm used to just learning something and moving on... no Im with a bunch of seniors who failed junior english and people retaking spanish 3 so we will go over everything again... and again.... and again. Im taking a frosh course cause its required for graduation.... oh well then US history... I have class clowns(seniors who failed probably)god its late... 2 oclock.... cant sleep... anyway.. math... the teach seems cool... english dude says that this year will learn to go above the text... its fucking humanities all over again but he dont like homework so yay for me much more stuff I could talk about but I cant see straight... so on to what this is really aboutflat out... I hate this school, I hate the setup and I dont know anyone... now, I know I told some of you this: I dont have nmh... ok I will survive if I have friends and music... well no friends... as long as I have my music I will keep my sanity... BUT I CANT LISTEN TO MY GOD DAMN MUSIC EITHER! what the fuck, the have taken everything I want to be happy, so you wonder why I dont want to wait a week or two before I say I hate this place??? this year is going to be pure hell for me... Im going to be a very fucked up person and I wanted you all to know that if I change that Im doing my best to hold on to who I am... Im trying to hold on to my identity, my sense of stability... it feels like my sanity is in jeopardy, now the reason I want you all to read this... I need to do the best I can to hold on to myself... but I know I wont be able to do it alone... I will last pretty long if I need but I really need the support of my friends... this next year I will be in more need of you than ever before... this doesnt mean drop your lives for me... I would never ask you to do that, I just want you all to know that I need you, with out you I have nothing, no reason to do my best,if I lose my sense of self this year... then nmh wont be the same for me and I wont return... I just ask that you dont forget me... I will be visiting and I want to see you all whenever its convenient... some of you are juniors and I know whats in store... kiernan... this is your slack year so Im comin to stay with you a lot, I dont mention other names just cause privacy, and kiernan you dont care so there...I will miss you all, I already do, I hope to visit soon, who knows how soon, I know I will be around like the third weekend??keep thy sanity with: another horse dreamers blues "tryin to hit the big one, one last time too not for, drunk fathers and stupid mothers and boys who cant tell one girl from another, so she takes her pills, careful and round, one of these days shes gonna throw the whole bottle down" Piano Man"sing us a song your the piano man, sing us a song tonight, were all in the mood for a melody, youve got us feelin alright"long december"The smell of hospitals in winter,And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls, All at once you look across a crowded room, To see the way that light attaches to a girl"my december"this is my december, this is my snow covered trees, this is me pretending this is all i need"dont speak"as we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry, dont speak I kow just what youre saying so please stop explaining, dont tell me cause it hurts, dont speakin, I know what your thinkin, i dont need your reasons, dont tell me cause it hurts...closing time"so gather up your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you have found a friend, closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end, ya, I know who I want to take me home"What its like"seen a rich man beg, seen a good man sin, a tough man cry, Ive seen the loser win, a sad man grin and heard an honest man lie, Ive seen the good side of bad and the down side of up and everything between, licked the silver spoon, drank from a golden cup and smoked the finest green"hailies song"sometimes I think theres nothing to live for, I almost break down and cry, sometimes I think Im crazy, Im crazy oh so crazy, why am I here am I just wasting my time? but then I see my baby, so lately Im not crazy, it all makes sense when I look into her eyes"hands"if I could tell the world just one thing it would be that were all ok"good riddance(time of your life)So take the photographs And still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth It was worth all the while, Its something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you had the time of your lifewear sunscreen"you are not as fat as you imagine" "do one thing every day that scares you, sing" "dance, even if you dont have anywhere to do it but your own living room"memory, road to west, The REAL FOLK BLUES, space lion, all instrumentals... but all are just as greatcalifornia girls" and the northern girls with the way they kiss they keep their boyfriends warm at night"

so ya its...

so ya its 1 am, I cant sleep, school tomorrow... I didnt read the summer reading... Im sooo fucking screwed... oih welll... Im really nervous... I dont know anyone... except supposedly my old 8th grade english teacher is now working at my new school... the school where I had her as a teacher is getting shut down... anyway... so besides her and three guy I worked with last summer... two of which I rarely talked toI cant decide if I should bring a frisbee or not to the first day... I will def spin a text book if I get one... I'll be surprised if I dont get some homework from all my classes...I was thinking while trying to sleep... I have bad feeling... I dont know what it is... but something bad... just out of reach.. .. must go parents waking up!!

strange v...

strange vision... its the end of the school year... not this new year... but the year after... peter and I were on the team together... we played together, we tossed, we ran, we won and lost... it was the last day... we were tossing for one last time.... before he left for good... grauation ended every one was leaving... and we were in back of crossley... he was leaving for good... so I ask for one last toss... and I ran.... I ran up the hill to the outfield of the softball field... peter tossed the disc it flew smoothly to the outside and was curving inward... it was too far ahead of me, I was running, it was gonna fall before I could get it... I dove into the air, my legs pushing me forward as hard as I could... by the edges of my fingertips I grassped the disc with my outstretched hand... as I fell hard onto the ground... dust around me rising from the impact... for a second I laid there in slight pain, I stood up with the disc in my hand... held it high above my head and yelled something... he raised his hand, and replied... he then stepped into the front seat of his parents car... and as it drove out of sight a pit in my stomach grew into a cavern... it had come to an end... the final inning had been played ... and I finally broke down... I just let it all go...

at the p...

at the party I had a few sips of vodka with OJ... and some one who I would have thought would beleive me... doesnt, they think I was affected by the amount of alcohal I took, I didnt say anything that would seem like symptoms but its odd that 2 out of 6 people did get drunk or drink at all... I hapeened to be one of those two... is it so hard to beleive?? I mean I can understand my mother having doubts but if I claim that my best friend can back me up.... and actually every one there can back me up... and they still have their doubts!!! AH!! I hate it when I'm not beleived...

wow a lot has h...

wow a lot has happened... it is now monday morning... it all started sat night... my mom and lil bro were at the races.. I was waiting for ramon and maria and kiernan to come pick me up and it was like 10:30... we were gonna try and go to a movie... but we failed... anyway they got there as my mom was pulling into the driveway and she still let me go... even after she talked to kiernan who was acting stoned... he wasnt... and she knew very well that I wouldnt return for a few days... SO we left there and drove down to NMH looked around northfield campus... we drove to hermon... then we just went back to kiernans house... it went from 10:30 at night to like 2:50 dont ask me where the time went... we made a few stops... I had fun... but it was late so I went to sleep when we got to kiernan's house.. more to come later

it came jus...

it came just as it was expected... it came on slowly, and was very strong... it over whelmed me, it is over taking me, like a liquid shell covering ever part of me... changing and evolving me... into yet a new stage of my life... will I be a pretty butterfly? no... this transformation is one of bitterness and cruelty. Anger courses through my thoughts... no... no NO! I wont let it, not again, I will not let you get the better of me, not again never again, I wont let you bring me down, music purifying my soul cant be heard... pressing the sound into my ears.. into my body... my mind, tempting all the pain in my heart to go into the music... let me be, I cant be free with this hanging on to me, holding me backlet go... I wont let you bring me down, I cant let this shit bring me down, again

My Decision It...

My Decision It was about my future, about my education, and about what was supposed to be best for me. That’s why I was so reluctant to make a decision. So much was at stake and if a mistake was made it would be too late to go back and change my mind. The loss of my friends and what was home made me reluctant to go to Monadnock instead of NMH. It took me a long time to come to a conclusion. That time was strenuous and it pained me to think of starting over at a new school yet again. The final choice was a difficult one for me to make. Although leaving NMH was not part of my plan, it’s relieving to know that I will no longer have to worry about it. There will be less stress hanging over me at this new school. There is nothing that can be lost anymore in my mind. I see my time at this new school as a time for preparation. If the only way to go is up, then I will set myself up to go above and beyond my previous limitations. When I re-apply to NMH my grades will show an improvement in my effort and my abilities to perform as a student. This leave of absence is only temporary in my mind. I will be satisfied with my time as a student at NMH. When the time arrives I will be able to return to what has been my home for the past two years of my life. Finances will no longer be a wall in my path to graduation. Grades will be my gateway to college and I can rest at last knowing that my full potential has been reached at long last.(piece of writing about my decision to go to a different school, it was summer homework for me)

day of registration at mondanock

today I went to my new highschool and registered and got my schedule... well I have US history Academic (highest), Alg 2, English G1(not the highest but second highest), spanish 3, a studyhall .. but Im going to be driving during that class and I have drivers ed after the school day... and I have auto 1, and I have civics which is a freshmen class... I get to be that old kid in class who acts stupid...actually it will probably be a bird course... you "fly" right through it... and I will have intro to computers... oh shit that will be hard... my spanish teachers name is Mrs. O'brian... let me get this straight... I have some one of irish heritage teaching me spanish... riiiight... oh well what everThat and at this rate with all my credit from nmh... next year the only class I have to take is senior english.... and then Im all set for graduation... but I still want to go back to nmh...

recent...

recently I have been getting into the whole punk ska scene.... and its great... its upbeat, and I love some of the guitar playing from blink 182 in the cd take off your pants and jacket..... or is it take off our pants and jack it.... I dunno, either works... hehethat and I like evanescence now I get all my music from my friend ben and its totally great cause he keeps buying more good cd's and I just burn a copy for him and I just copy them onto my computer... now all I need is a bigger harddrive hehehe... kiernan!! you are helping me with that...First Date LyricsBlink 182Take Off Your Pants And Jacket In the car I just can't wait,To pick you up on our very first dateIs it cool if I hold your hand?Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?Do you like my stupid hair?Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?I'm too scared of what you thinkYou make me nervous so I really can't eatLet's go, don't wait, this night's almost overHonest, let's make this night last foreverForever and ever, let's make this last forever (2x)When you smile, I melt insideI'm not worthy for a minute of your timeI really wish it was only me and youI'm jealous of everybody in the roomPlease don't look at me with those eyesPlease don't hint that you're capable of liesI dread the thought of our very first kissA target that i'm probably gonna missLet's go,don't wait, this night's almost overHonest, let's make this night last foreverForever and ever, let's make this last forever(2x)Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost overHonest, let's make, this night last foreverForever and ever, let's make this last forever(3x)

You Are S...

You Are Sam From "Benny & Joon."You are very talented at physical comedy. People are in awe of your abilities. However, you have many quirks which can either win people over or completely annoy them. But you're a sweetheart through and through, and it's hard not to love you.
Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!

Anger cours...

Anger courses through veins of blood, turning my soul into a mass of black, an eager voice tries to reveal the pain within but then black turns blue, and cold, and quiet, it keeps to itself and wants nothing to do with the outside world, it feels exposed and open to attack, and instantly closes out all who try to get close, then a glimpse of the sun reaches through my skin and warms my soul, feeling safe in the open I live again, to only have some one reach through my defnesless self and to strike me down... the sky turns red and fear over takes all feeling, panicing, running, fleeing... for my life, I stop and look back on my journey and feel the same anger course through my veins once more...Unspoken words eat you up, you need to let them go, but what happens when you cant say everything how you wanted it to come out, your poetry sounds like shit, you feel horribleI have no talent for poetry, I have the feeling I dont have the written words though, passion disapears as the words go onto the screen and the meaning gets lost somewhere between my head and my finger tips... what then.... what then...Thats why i put so much stock into music, the melody breaks the silence, the lyrics cleanse the soul, the beat penetrates the soul and the passion lives within the music and no one can take that away

some...

something loved, ripped from a superficial grasp on reality, the illusion is gone, nothing is left with me but a stiring silence, a gaping hole, blinding light, burning fright, useless plight... for mercyuntitled by methis was inspired by random thought... I dont know where it came from but its there never the lessI might be writing a lil more poetry... but I might not... either way

Grandp...

Grandparents came to visit, its been fun, I got some new shorts and pants and I'm thinkin about asking for cleats but they have already done so much so .... but I need them for ultimate... I keep getting left in the dirt with out them...Oh well, Im kinda feeling strange... Im happy to have new pants.... maybe its because they look like not so baggy raver pants... they are amusing, and I finally found some good sports pants I likeIm gonna get a bike from a friend... I think Im gonna spend a lot of time just galavanting around... I dunnoi need to do my reading... and notes, I read so damn slow, that and I need to write 2 pages for each book... agh...I watch anime... you dont like it, deal with it... anyway... I just watched this really fucked up show that made no fucking sense at all... this kid... has this girl who is a friend and shes really attracive and all this stuff but the kid isnt interested and he is complaining about how life is totally ordinary... and then this girl comes to town and has a habbit of hitting him in the head with a guitar that has like this gas motor thing... its just plain fucked up...its my bed times now... later

I wo...

I woke up it was seven, I waited till elevenJust to figure out that no one would callI think I've got alot of friends, but I don't hear from themWhat's another night alone?When your spending every day on your ownAnd here it goes...I'm just a kid and life is a nightmareI'm just a kid I know that it's not fairNobody cares 'cause I'm all alone and the world isHaving more fun than me... tonightAnd maybe when the night is dead,I'll crawl into my bedStaring at these four walls againI'll try and think about the last timeI had a good time. Everyone's gotSomewhere to go, and they're gonna leave meHere on my own and here it goes...I'm just a kid and life is a nightmareI'm just a kid I know that it's not fairNobody cares 'cause I'm aloneAnd the world is havin' more fun than me...What the fuck is wrong with me?Don't fit in with anybodyHow did this happen to me?Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep and every night isThe worst night ever...I'm just a kidI'm just a kidI'm just a kid (I'm just a kid)Yeah, I'm just a kid (I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid)I'm just a kid (I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid)I'm just a kid and life is a nightmareI'm just a kid and I know that its not fairNobody cares 'cause I'm aloneAnd the world is Nobody wants to be alone in the worldI'm just a kid and life is a nightmareI'm just a kid and I know that its not fairNobody cares 'cause I'm aloneAnd the world is Nobody wants to be alone in the worldNobody cares 'cause I'm aloneand the world is having more fun than me... TonightI'm all alone... TonightNobody cares... TonightCause I'm just a kid... Tonight-Im just a kid by:Simple PlanI feel alone and I can't stand it, I mean yes I do live with my mom and brother, Im alone all day, so its like I live alone. Im so alone, I dont want to leave nmh, I don't want to leave my friends, I don't want to leave those who are more than friends, I don't want to leave all of those whom I hold dear, but at this point they seem more like a fading illusion, a dream the you could swear was so real, until it vanished when you tried to grab it... I don't to lose my home, nmh is home and I can't lose it... but at this point... it looks like it is as good as gone... How do you say goodbye to some one? If you can't even speak ... I won't be boarding next year... but I want to... why the fuck DOES EVERYTHING COST MONEY!!! WHY!! IT FUCKING SUCKS CAUSE IT DOESNT GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE TO MOVE UP, YOU GET A LITTLE AND LIFE ENDS UP TAKING A LOT, I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN LIFE WAS AGAINST ME AND NOW I KNOW FOR SURE, THAT LIFE DOES NOT WANT ME HAPPY, IT HAS TAKEN ALMOST EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE MADE IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, EVERYTHING! WHY CAN'T LIFE LET ME BE HAPPY! I THOUGHT FOR ONCE I COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, like going to the same damn highschool for four years. but no... i have to go back to new hampshire, the one place i never wanted to be, i had no friends, now i wont have my friends, or my hobbie, frisbee was my best type of salvation at nmh, I could always just toss around and all emotion was thrown away with each throw of the disc, friends was second, with third being music. Now, no frisbee, the friends that I could always rely on... gone... now all thats left is the music.. and I'll probably be back to video games... letting my life drift into some one elses, living in a fantasy where people learn to grow strong and over come their boundaries, unlike this world where the rules are if you get fucked... its not our problem....crawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/I can't seemto find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realdiscomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon medistracting/reactingagainst my will I stand beside my own reflectionit's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realcrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing confusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusing what is realthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/confusing what is real-Crawling by:Linkin ParkLeaving so much unsaid is dangerous, and yet safe... you don't know who will understand and you don't know who will exploit it as nothing but a weakness, the perfect spot for a brutal attack on ones pride, leaving them to be alone with out any sense of self esteam.

I play...

I played ultimate today, it was wonderful, in the last game we played, it was to four points, I came in when it was 2-1 us, it was a 3 on 3 game. I played not too hard cause no one plays too hard on Mellow Mondays. Anyway, the other team got two points so I figured that something had to be done so what did I do? I ran for the end zone as soon as my team member got it, I ran as fast as I could. I turned around and I could see that the other guys on the other team had stopped running when they saw that the toss was too high and that they couldn't reach me before I caught it. It was perfectly flat, straight, and it flew right over my head. I grabbed it in the endzone and the score was tied at game point with their posession. I toss off and they have the disc one pass and it was caught, I looked at the man with the disc and I say him set up for a fore hand, I turned and started running after my man who was a good 20 feet in front of me, but the toss was caught by the wind, it floated and started to dive towards the ground, I was under it so I jumped and snatched it, I turned around with the disc in hand, and after one second of thought I curved the disc around two defenders perfectly leading my man towards the endzone, he stopped short but I ran up to him, he practically handed the disc to me and I tossed the disc to the girl on our team who was just in the endzone. We came back to win and it was so much fun, even the other team was like dude you schooled us in the end.twas a lot of fun and I can't wait to play againWell I don't know if I am returning to nmh as much as I want to there is very little, if not nothing I can do.

Why ...

Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't stop thinking of things that are only painful to think about, and yet I can't forget about them. I don't understand why. I have come to the conclusion that I am an artist with out a form of art, I think poeticaly but I don't have the lyrics to create poetry. If only one could see the world through my eyes some one might be able to understand why I am the way I am. While even some of my best friends read poetry and laugh at a persons emotional out let, I won't let myself be put down, I protect myself from the people I don't think I can trust. The way they act hurts although they don't mean to hurt me. They do their best not to cause the pain, and yet every time I talk to them I get a steak through my heart.I sit here, listening to a jazz song, its called space lion, its from cowboy bebop kiernan, I suggest you listen to it. Find a song, no lyrics, just sit and listen, listen to it over and over. Take in all the emotion of the music. set your mind free of everything and just be... maybe you can get a glimpse of the world through my eyes.the rain is very depressing to most people, but to me it is peaceful and calming. All that I have just said is true, and yet a diversion. I wanted to say more about things I miss, things I want, and things I love. But I... just can't say them, cause Im afraid of losing what I hold dear the most, my friends... Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't stop thinking of things that are only painful to think about, and yet I can't forget about them. I don't understand why. It hurts because my heart is toyed with, it makes me want to cry but I can't, I physically cannot. I must go now... goodnight

1st entry

this is my live journal... ok so big deal... Im happy about it. Anyway... I currentyl live at nmh and its nearing the end of the school year.. I dont know if I will be back or not... I certainly hope so...Heres a lil message to all my friends...Kiernan, thanks for getting me this journal... you have done a lot for me since last spring and its been greatDrew, Im republican, and you most likely won't convert me... but I wear tie dyed tshirts and play massive amounts of frisbee so I think you should be satisfied with that... oh yeah, don't worry drew, Im still not homophobic.Chaz, your an interesting person, I dont know you all that well and after drew I thought of you so... here's your message... moving onOlivia... you are one of a kind, while you are pesimistic on the outside you always come out near the top... no you wont fail your chinese quiz.. and katie is right... you are a bad liarKatie.... you are down right fun... no matter when I see you, you have a smile on your face and you still have that strut in your step that says.......... it says....... Im hot stuff and dont you forget it, ya that sounds about right, its always fun when you are aroundSturdy... FLAMING MONKEYS OF DOOM!!!(the are just a bunch of gay monkeys thats all)More letters next entry...